Cell of Confinement

May 13, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-08-01T11:19:00.001-07:00

"Cell of Confinement"

As we look at each other, I can’t help but question, what makes you really believe you are a better person than I? I’ve prayed many nights for the answer as to this question and both myself and my shadow have yet to come up with an intelligent answer.

Is it because you believe that they way you lived your life sets you aside from someone like me, who is implicated in some very serious crimes? Someone who has traveled the broken road that through back yards that are enclosed with razor wire and looming gun towers?

Yet, I believe this comes from growing up and never being able to go after and grasp what you really wanted in life. You were always the unpopular kid in school who was always the victim of some lurking bully in the hallways. That person who never made the football team and looked funny doing jumping jacks. That person who never quite was able to talk to the girl who was the fantasy of your boyish daydreams. That person who had it a little better than most kids were ever gonna get, but you didn’t want to look the part. And as I think about all this – maybe you’re right for feeling the way you do – but don’t categorize me.

I was the kid who walked into the bathroom that day you were getting roughed up by that bully and got so made that someone was picking on someone who didn’t have the means or resolve to right back and ended up getting a black eye in your defense. Afterwards, I told you not to worry cause one black eye was always better than the two the bully now had as Mr. Bully and I were suspended for ten days.

I was that one guy on the football team, unlike the other players that ran over you and laughed because you weren’t as fast and hard hitting as us, that would always help you up, would tell you to always look at your opponent, would get just as hyped when you did something well as if my best friend did it, unlike the team.

I was that one guy who had to come out of the game because of leg cramps, and when you went in – the whole team let out a moan cause they knew you were gonna fail, and maybe you did too. But I held my breath and hoped that for a brief second you would succeed, because I know that glory lives in flashes.

I was that same guy that sat next to you at the dance feeling just how you did because the same girl was just as elusive to me as she was to you, but at least I tried. But as you stand here looking at me, you don’t remember those little specks of kindness from people you have come to generalize and hate. And you are so caught up with your attitude of ‘Look at me now and look at people like you’.

And even as we look at each other face to face, you know that I know that the only thing that’s a jerk about me is when I let you know how petty you really are and that while you may be in a sense over me now, don’t think you were ever really in charge of yourself.

You call yourself a better person because you’re not in jail, but a correctional officer, a keeper of the corrupt, yet when’s the last time you felt a sense of pride for doing something that would get no credit?

I came home from prison looking more imposing than ever, and held doors for old ladies, giving them a smile that before was only reserved for the likes of my
Grandmas. I’ve helped people on the road as others whizzed by, yelling obscenities instead of stopping to get out and help. The children at the bus stop in my neighborhood had an ever-watchful eye upon them in case there was the danger of a child predator. And if something happened, I would be running like the Flash – undoubtedly with you looking at me with so much hatred, so much disgust, that malice oozes from your pores like the sweat pours out after an intense workout in 97% heat.

And there you are, hoping that you’re able to prove something against someone like me. This would be your chance to be somebody, to be able to physically conquer someone like me in all your years of cowardice. And if that did happen, you’d still never do that alone, so what does that say?

And as you look at me, you think that physically I’m a danger – but I beg to differ. As Doc Holiday would say as he puts down his Royal Flush beating your Four of a Kind, his other hand tapping the butt of his six shooter, “Physically we’re the same, but mentally… I am dangerous.

When I close my eyes and meditate, I take counsel with King Arthur as one of his Knights of the Round Table of Life. At night I walk with the likes of Maymeto Mushashi and he advises me on how to completely crush the enemy while he gently paints a beautiful single snow flake falling onto an ice covered pond. I sit and watch chess games between Sun Tzu and Napoleon, taking notes as mountains are moved and rivers consumed. I take lessons from Machivelli on penmanship as he tells me to be wary of those with smiles and velvet gloves hiding the bloodstains on their dirty hands. I listen to debates between Christ and Mohammed as they go round and round about whose God is the true God, and I smile as Buddha sits down to place his bid on the subject at hand. I grapple with demons and look up to angels. I study to understand as Bach, Beethoven and Mozart’s fingers furiously fly across melodies of time and space to accomplish that which the Highlander only says “there can only be one.”

And in my chambers of thought, my love is so powerful it transcends that which Shakespeare was trying to unveil with Romeo and Juliet. It is deeper than the rabbit hole that Alice fell into. It’s the thing nations were built upon, like Hebrew slaves placing 300 ton blocks perfectly to build a temple.

My foundation of love, my flint stuck just the right way, and sparks fly – landing on twigs that begin to burn, and then the flame is discovered. Or like Zeus slinging lightning bolts from his plush covered armrest, only to be caught in my eyes.

As we stand here looking face to face, you know that I know you’re no better than me, and that the only thing that makes you different as we stand on the same floor is you’re on the other side of the door. You’re at liberty to go home, where this conversation is the furthest thing from your mind, unlike me who will stay up all night into the early morning hours, going over every word in detail, much like a mafia hit man in a Catholic confessional booth…
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

"Cell of Confinement"

by
Michael Victor Lugo

May 3, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-08-01T11:18:00.000-07:00

"Cell of Confinement"

The Beast looks down upon me with cold calculating eyes and hot breath that blows across my face like a summer breeze blowing in the bowels of a forbidden pit in the lowest levels of hell. The Beast is Patience and its’ jaws are ready to devour and even now as I look into this great Beast’s mouth, I can see the flesh of many of whom have been consumed by his wrath, greed, corruption and injustice.

I myself know the power that lies within the jaws of this machine, for once I escaped his embrace yet I have vivid memories of comrades who still till this day swim in the belly of this monster, the Beast, drowning and without any hope of ever breaking through again. The Beast looks at me and I can feel the anger in his breath because I have gotten away once, and his desire to know me again is that of a lover’s broken heart that has a suicide/murder mentality. If I can’t have you, then no one will. And yet I resist.

He stalks me as I try to turn away from him to flee, but his omnipresence is imposing and much like that of God, he knows my every move, but not my thoughts unless I present them. There is no escape from this animal and so the warrior who guides my thoughts advises me that the only way to gain a possible victory is to face the devouring Beast with dignity and courage, regardless of the screams of pain that emit from deep within its’ guts.

Voices I’ve heard before, some joyous that I may return to that lake of anguish and fire, but there are also the voices of those who are like minded warriors of a likewise heart. I hear their prayers of hope for me and those who face the beast, that we may obtain safe passage. Almost like a bird singing in the eye of a hurricane. Beauty is everywhere, even within the Beast Even in the battle between myself and the Beast, there is a certain harmony between us – the dance of life and death that Arch Angels and Hierarchy of Demons pay admission to see. It is like a classical musical that some how has more justice and injustice, right and wrong, light and darkness than they could amass together in a great collaboration – and so we watch.

As a Demon leans over to an Arch Angel and asks, “So – who do you think wins?” to which he replies, “Through time, all things will be revealed.” Another Demon mockingly says, “Yet there is no such thing as time, so what is truly revealed?”

And so we wait, watching them watching us, anticipating their reactions to my actions and watching their eyes watch me and my eyes only trying to not lose my footing as the Beast is ever trying to grasp hold of me as we battle for the sweetness of life like condemned Gladiators in the coliseum tossed in a pit with a sword and told to survive.

Yet they forgot to tell you about the others who used to be warriors and try to cut you down all the while never taking your eyes off the Beast. He lunges toward me, I step to the side and hear the cheers of those watching as the battle becomes more and more intense. We all feel the point in what we call time that is approaching the Final Judgment.

The crowd cheers and yells, but I cannot tell who they are cheering for. For our liberation, breaking free of the Beast and his bondage – or our downfall and destruction. Right now, it is hard to tell – but my third eye sees things for what they are, not how they appear to be. I see you just like you see me, but what does that really accomplish?

I raise my sword and charge, for the only way to conquer the Beast is to face it head on and look into its’ eyes as you either slay it or it swallows you whole.
And this I struggle.

"Cell of Confinement"

by
Michael Victor Lugo

In Mike's Words

2007-07-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

“ Cell of Confinement”

When Victory is close at hand we know that defeat stalks close by with malice in it’s heart and deceit on it’s lips. That is why the shadow of myself that also looks down upon the paper in which I write warns me to be ever ready, to keep awareness on high alert and to grasp this soon to be Victory like it is the very essence of life in which powers us all. I breathe it in like a sweet aroma yet my soul still must continue to wait to be filled. And thus I continue with my active mind that jumps from possibility to possibility in the early morning hours when closing ones eyes is like turning on the T.V. with no clue as to what is on and to have the channel change every couple minutes to something new. Entertaining to say the least. Yet I am restless. And poetry flows through my mind like hidden codes to the secrets of the DNA in which the universe was built only to be lost in trying to read the message.

I see images of Jesus as he offers a hand of barb wire to help pull me out of the pit that the wicked have lain for me, and see my children playing in a play ground of dreams as my father sits in a park bench and protectively watches over them unbeknownst to all except those who see with all three. Visions of my mother dancing away the night as ballroom dancers swirl around like water lily’s floating down a gentle river creek as my little brother marches over the hill tops like Caeser with legions and legions of like minded instruments playing tunes to make earthquakes quake in their boots yet make baby blue birds softly sing along and also make warriors chant a war cry. And thus I raise my sword. And when she speaks it is like the sound that God made when he rested on the 7th day, like a sound that only Angels hear and that demons envy, a sound that makes babies in the womb smile. And all the while she is here with me, here in my struggles, here in my ironic sense of humor and visions of everything yet looking at nothing at all. Constantly becoming and nothing that is inflicted will prevent the sword from Victory because we are one and have joined on a higher level than those who wish to separate will ever understand. Our past is longer than your eye sight or thoughts deeper than the pit in which Leviathan was bound to, and vaster than the every expanding Galaxy. And you try to prevent? Stop what? You give us purposed and motivation, a Warrior is only as great as their enemy is. And thus you will be conquered.

Freedom escapes my lips as sleep starts to wrap around me like a warm embrace with soothing sceens of yester year before the skies were darkened. Yet when I awake I know my dreams and visions for the time being will still be stuck here in this "Cell of Confinement."

By
Michael Victor Lugo

Internal Incident...

2007-07-11T20:47:00.001-07:00

Angela’s comments:

At the time of this incident Michael had been back there for 8 months. Michael has had to stay in lock down all the while of his son being born, his wife undergoing two heart surgeries, and knowing that his oldest (just turned 3) is holding on as hard as he can to remember his daddy. Guards have come into his cell making him get rid of most of his family picture and numerous of other things. And not once did they have a problem with Michael, yet this guard, Covenington, would every so often work back there where Michael is and every time he feels the need to prove something to all people held back there. You think our system doesn’t lie…well it does and very often. After this incident, they not only took his out side recreation from him, but also his phone calls for 30days. Not even taking into consideration he’s never given ANY problem before. But of course they have to believe their officers, because I’m sure none of them ever lie. Then after all this is done and he’s given back his recreation and calls, and a week or so goes by and they decide to put him behind glass. This is where they put people who frequently yell and give the officers a hard time. This was done even though Michael wasn’t giving any kind of problem. I called up there to ask why. I spoke with a Sergeant who works back where Michael lives and asked if Michael was any kind of bother. I was told No, not at all, but they had to follow orders that were given to them by the Captain (warden). And of course, when I spoke with the Captain, all he could do is LIE. He told me he never gave that order and for me to call him back Thursday. When I did, I was told he was off for the rest of the week. So again…Officers and Captains, they never lie or do they?

March 31, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-04-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

Click on each picture for larger view:

"Cooperation doesn't earn lenient sentence"

2007-04-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

Click on each picture for larger view:

March 24, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-04-09T11:02:00.002-07:00

“Cell of Confinement”

I continue to wait, I continue to hope even when “they” have tried to extinguish the light of Hope that drives me. Yet I push on and grow more and more hopeful.

Of the late, something has been brought unto my attention as an alternate route or thinking outside the box. I wonder if that is an option. Time will tell.

My second son tried to eat the phone today while I spoke to his mother. These little things make me laugh, but hurt so much at the same time. Almost every night I wonder if he knows he has a daddy. Does he still remember my voice from when I used to talk to him when he was in his mommy’s belly? I wish I could hold him and rock him to sleep as I’ve done so many times with hi older brother. I don’t wish for millions of dollars, or dream of fame and fortune, but dream of being able to walk in the front door to my home and wrapping my family in my arms. That might not seem like too much to some, but to me, Michael Victor Lugo, that is the Universe. All and everything. Maybe only a little longer and my wishes may become reality. This I can only hope for as I await in this Cell of Confinement like a snow covered ice cap that’s mountain top wishes to just feel the warmth of the sun.

“Cell of Confinement”

by
Michael Victor Lugo

March 16, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-04-09T11:02:00.001-07:00

“Cell of Confinement”

Today I was visited by those who fight for us. My moral is high and my spirit is humbled. Yet also as I’m writing in the shadow of my hand, my mind is, as it often does, thinking back to my father Victor Lugo. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if he was still with me and my brother. Would things be better or would they be worse? Who would I be today? It seems that a long as I can remember my father was always larger than life; the one I always looked up to, and not because I was a child and physically had to look up to him, but because of his presence, his love, his willingness to teach, and his belief that we would learn and excel.

I often wish my wife would have had the opportunity to meet him before he left the land of the living. I’ve told her endless stories of the past and joys and pains, and the example he left for me and Christopher. I wonder about the grandfather he would be today as I look at pictures of Nathan and Elijah, and as I do this I can’t help but think that in those eyes and smiles, that in a way he is with them, maybe even part of them. This I can only hope to be true. To say I miss his is not quite enough. It’s been 13 years, and at times it only feels like yesterday I had to watch my real life hero be lowered into the ground. Sometimes in my dreams I find him and tell him about my problems and worries, and he does what he’s always done…listen to me, never judging, but always loving and telling me how it is.

It is often ironic how life turns so quickly from the feeble plans we call ourselves making in life.

The beginning of my freshman year, things were so clear. College scholarship to Notre Dame for football, have an apartment with my Dad, and eventually play for our favorite team ever, the Chicago Bears. Yet untimely death, broken bones and broken homes had another plan as to which road I must travel. And through it all I can honestly say, I wouldn’t change a thing. Through pain we come to know joy, and through loss we come to see the beauty of Life. I would change nothing. Yes, I still wake up with tears from dreams with my father, but through it all my brother has excelled in life and is no doubt shinning in our father’s eyes. My mother has remarried and found true love again, and without question with my father’s blessings, and I’ve been blessed to be married and have two precious sons who have never met or seen my dad/their grandfather, but somehow I think they know him.

Maybe I let my Dad down in life, but I don’t think so because life as of yet is not over. And even through he’s not here to speak reason to me anymore, or to give me advice, in a strange way I think he spoke to me today. I know you’re still with me, and I hope and pray that time and circumstance allows me to be half the father to my boys that you were to me and Chris.

Thanks Dad for talking to me…I needed it. I love and miss you so much, and before it’s all over I promise I will make you proud of that lil guy I used to be.

“Cell of Confinement”

by
Michael Victor Lugo

March 11, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-04-09T10:29:00.001-07:00

“Cell of Confinement”

I am always becoming…becoming more and more of the person I am to forever be. And it is weird because when I look into the mirror, the face no longer resembles the man my mind pictured me to be. Yet, I am still just plain old me.

Received words of encouragement last night. It was good to hear your voice my friend. I pray all is well with you and your family. You are a proud father like me, and no doubt you’re showing your child off like a war vet that has won a Purple Heart. Times are hard and the oppression is forever upon me like a sickness that I just can’t seem to shake, but fear not…my Spirit has been low but never out of the fight. And thus my battle continues as many others’ also do.

Time is short. I feel this within my bones. Change is upon us also. Things will be discovered and liberation is close at hand. Everyone stand strong with me and we all will be victorious; Faith in The Almighty Lord and Faith in Our Defense Team.

I would like to thank any and all who have had my family in their prayers. My wife is making a great recovery from her heart surgery Thanks be to God, and my boys are doing well.

When I feel defeated, I know I’m not the only one fighting; when I feel sorrow I know there are happy times ahead; when I feel confined I know no matter what my spirit will always be free; and when I feel my thoughts are overwhelming I let them overflow through my pen to splash across the pages of Life in hopes that some of my thoughts with an arrangement of words will inspire or motivate someone who understands or seeks to know the true essence of Love. It comes first after all and all else will fall into place if one harbors Love. And yet I try to keep my hands, mind, and heart wrapped around it no matter how hard they try to take it from me. And the saga continues…”Cell of Confinement.”

By
Michael Victor Lugo

March 09, 2007 – In Mike’s Words

2007-04-09T10:14:00.001-07:00

“Cell of Confinement”

Everything is a blur. From my earliest memories to the last word that is written in this sentence is a blur. Almost like they never happened and it is only a melodramatic movie that I just watch unfold in the theater of the mind. Or maybe even more interesting is that maybe all of this is a near death experience and I am reviewing my life that I already lived in detail, only in reality somewhere I am flat-lining with the beating drum growing lower and lower, until it’s just me, alone in this Cell of Confinement pondering the paths that are before me and the paths I’ve already roamed, yet only to question what is really real? And what if the beating drum that my soul dances to never starts again? Have I made this Cell my place of sanctuary, or is it I’ve become a slave of this deity only for eternally to keep hoping to be released when in reality there is no hope because I have created the Cell in which my mind and soul are confined to? But to be released is to come back to the beating of the drum, and at times I think I hear it, but it is so hard to find, like trying to follow the light of a star that is across the galaxy only to discover the star has been dead before you started following its path. Such an illusion. And yet things blur before my eyes as I sit at the desk within the inner office of my being and pull up images on my computer and watch them flash across the cast screen of my view. Yet, everything is still a blur; smiles and happiness followed by frowns and pain, hope and disappointment. Yet it is all present. I wonder what would happen if I unplugged the computer? What did I do before the computer, or has it always been present, only recently manifested outwardly? Who is to say and who knows who knows? Yet the only thing I know is I think I hear the beating, so I continue to sift through these blurred images to find that which provides. And thus I remain, “Cell of Confinement.”

By
Michael Victor Lugo

March 02, 2007 – In Mike’s Words

2007-04-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

“Cell of Confinement”

To say my spirit has been humbled is an understatement. Many times I get so wrapped up in my situation that is before me that I loose sight of those who have it worse and much harder than I. There are thousands of children who every day face more fearsome and deadly obstacles than what is before me. Yesterday and today, I shed so many tears as I listen to story after story of parents and how their children where diagnosed with cancer and their struggles through it. All the stories told of bravery that would dwarf those ancient legends of knights facing fire-breathing dragons, but not all the stories end with a happily. Most of the tales ended with their child passing away, but still with incredible courage. There are many things that I do not understand within this life that I journey through, but this I do know: Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes we have to really look to find and understand why things take place. I could not imagine loosing either of my boys, even though I’ve never held my second son, Elijah. Yet I’ve always held him in my heart, and to hear these parents who loved their children like me and my wife love our boys was soul wrenching; to listen to them loosing that lil person who can bring a smile to a face that sometimes doesn’t feel like smiling. At 8pm I pray every night, and I have a long list including those who wish my destruction, but tonight I just prayed for all those children who are in a real fight for their lives; who every day experience more pain than either you or I may ever face, and even though they be kids they end up teaching the adults so much more.

I don’t know if my prater will amount to much, or if my words come out right, but my Love and prayers are with the children and families at Saint Jude’s Children Research Hospital. If I was able to donate I would, maybe in the future, but at this present time all I have is tears and I pray with hope that cancer can be conquered.

To all the Kids, stay Strong, Never stop fighting, and always smile. You are heros to so many people you don’t even know You have touched.

From a Confined Mind, but a Free Soul.

Anyone who reads this please take the time to look into the Saint Jude’s Hospital and donate something to help the research. And if you’re unable to donate, then everyone can say a prayer.

“Cell of Confinement”

by
Michael Victor Lugo

What is Love, or better said, True Love?

2007-04-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

Love is understanding and forgiving even when we don't want to do either.
Love is placing that diamond ring upon the woman's finger who just told you I do.
Love is having your little brother completely embarrase you during his bestman speach for you and you appreciating every second of it.
Love is holding your child for the very first time and seeing the 100% trust in his eyes.
Love is painting Care Bears on the walls of our son's soon-to-be toom.
Love is although our son's room is great he still sleeps with us almost every night.
Love is being with the one who holds your heart on a distant island and watching the sun put on a brilliant sunset seeming just for us as we held one another with toes in the sand.
Love is bringing home flowers for no other reason than to just let my wife know I am thankful for her.
Love is when me and my lil brother jump around the room like gorillas until we fall down with laughter and tears.
Love is bringing a smile to my Grandmother's face when others make her uncomfortable.
Love is calling my mother to let her know she's going to be a grandmother...again.
Love is having your wife use your hand to cover her eyes during that intense part of the scary movie, as you both sit in a crowded theater and me being proud to give my hand.
Love is telling our son that his baby brother is in Mommy's belly and watching him give his brother a kiss through Mommy's tummy.
Love is dancing crazy around the dinning room table with my son in step and dogs behind him and my wife laughing out loud.
Love is being there for one another when Grandma passed away.
Love is absolutely doing nothing but being around one another and feeling completely comfortable.
Love is me sliding to the other end of the couch so my wife can stretch out and lay her head in my lap.
Love is dancing with my mother agter our wedding and her whispering that she is so proud of me.
Love is walking into my sister-in-law's house and my nieces yell, Tio! (uncle) and come give me a big hug.
Love is even when my wife gets drunk and a little crazy, she knows I'll take care of her like I care for our children.
Love is knowing that no matter the difficulities in life that Family sticks together.
Love is us with all the momories that we have made thus far, and looking forward to many many more to come. Times may be rough, but Love overlaps all pain and sorrow and transends both time and space.

I Love You All.

Michael Victor Lugo

February 19, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-04-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

“Cell of Confinement”

I wander aimlessly down the halls ride on elevators to floors never seen before, and travel up stairs that I knew not existed, only to find a holding cell so quiet it pierces my ears. I believe I went to court today, or was I traveling within my mind, again? Sometimes reality is hard to distinguish, or maybe my mind is really hard to distinguish from self? Who is to say or judge? “Not I,” said the blind man, but he makes himself to see things that are not really there. And thus I am prosecuted.

I wonder to myself, what makes a man a good man? My wife often says that you’re not a man until you reach the age of 25. Can’t really remember why, but maybe because 25 years is long enough to experience most things? Maybe not. Either way, I constantly wonder how I can become a better man, more productive and more positive on my outlook on life and my influence on others. I have time to ponder these things and many more that flow through my mind, and at sometimes other thoughts creep in like a thief in the night. But fret not. My security system is top of the line, and none of those who cross the threshold of my domain continue.

My wife’s heart is hurt again, and she will shortly have surgery again. I pray and pray and continue to pray that her health improves. I would in a second trade hearts with her, so I would know she would be well. I was able to speak to her the other day, and was happy I was able to make her laugh and smile. I don’t know if she smiled, but in my mind’s eyes she smiled very beautifully for me. That and my children’s smiles help me upon this difficult road I’m on. And there are times my Spirit is so down and low, but I will never admit this to her because how I feel is secondary compared to her getting well. And me crying and complaining to her about things we can not change will only add to her stress. So I suppress that only for my wall sin this ‘Cell of Confinement’ to see and hear, and now this paper upon which you read. By the time this is posted, I hope my wife is done with her surgery and recovering. My thoughts are constantly with her, and often I speak to her and my children out loud hoping the elements take my thoughts and voice to their minds and ears. I can only hope.

I apologize to those who have written me in the past if I have not responded to you. My mind is all over the place, yet still right here. If I respond to some letters, I will be scrutinized by the powers that be, so I have not responded. I hope everyone understands.

To my Family, I love you all with all my heart and soul. Thank you for the constant support, if nothing more than a hello card. Those who have opposing views, then you are entitled to your own opinions, although I believe and practice that family loves and supports at all times, no matter the situations. Yet some don’t feel this same way. This also makes me sad.

The game has hit crunch-time, and I’ve always performed my best under pressure and in the clutch. Don’t tell me the odds, ‘cause I know they are against me, yet that drives me on. If I fall, I will get back up and move forward until one day I shatter the walls within this “Cell of Confinement.”

By
Michael Victor Lugo

February 16, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-04-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

“Cell of Confinement”

I tried to pray tonight, but only empty words flowed out of my mind, which then trickled out my mouth. I have in the past, and I have tried to do it as of late, but Anger has replaced my prayers. Anger towards the system and those who make it turn. Anger at being trapped like an experimental mouse with only walls to guide me and the occasional open door, which is done by them.

I have been charged with Federal charges as of yesterday. My spirit has been broken, but not destroyed, although they wish it were. For whatever reason the powers that be want me so bad they set up all their jail house snitches all around me; they put them in my path; they put them by others in this jail house in hopes to extract information about me to be used against me. You are all Cowards! All of you! There is no light within any of you.

These confidential informants and cooperators are the worst crooks, and yet law enforcement uses them and pays them like a fellow employee without any care of the lives that hang in the balance; without any care of my wife, who will undergo another heart surgery do to all the burdens from all this. So what am I to do? Nothing. My resources are exhausted and there is no $ for a federal lawyer, so now my fate will go into the hands of someone who doesn’t really want my case. I would say my fate is in the hands of The Almighty, yet Doubt has gripped my heart. Maybe it was all an illusion or a mirage. Who can really tell? I am tired, but I can not close my eyes or lie down. If I die, I will die on my feet fighting until the very last breath in my body is gone. I know they want me to lie down like others who are working with the police, who are at home with their families, but at Hell in their hearts for their treason to what at one time they believed with all their hearts, minds, & souls. Or then again, maybe they don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but themselves. And I am so disillusioned at that thought; that everything I stood for, believed in, and represented is…Nothing. So like the movie Matrix when ‘The One’ is asked, “Why does he keep fighting?” I likewise reply….because I choose to.

“Cell of Confinement”

by
Michael Victor Lugo

February 10, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-04-08T21:15:00.001-07:00

"Cell of Confinement"

My thoughts have become elusive, much like trying to grasp the hand of your shadow. At times you can see it and it is so close, yet it will never take place. So why pursue? Maybe for Hope’s sake, not for my sake, but to keep Hope alive, for I’ve come to realize that without me Hope dies, yet me without Hope will go on.

Those who have control over me in this dungeon have further tightened the chains that bind me. I try so hard to continue to pray for those who do me wrong, but these past weeks have been very hard and more than a few nights I have closed my eyes with prayers for only those in my heart. Am I wrong? I will try to again, but it is so difficult. Especially when certain officers come back here with malice in their hearts for me and use their positions to further hold me down in my struggle. What am I to do with Justice walking round trying to pin the tail on the donkey? And it appears that I am the jackass.

All I can do is hope in Hope that my children will know me; that my wife will soon have me back; that my family will soon see me; that those faithful also will be liberated from this injustice; that those who have turned against us will turn their thoughts, because we are not the enemy.

“Cell of Confinement”

by
Michael Victor Lugo

“Grievance Form”

2007-02-14T18:30:00.000-08:00

“Grievance Form”

Dear God, I respectfully submit this Grievance unto you-
Because in this Confinement Cell I’ve pursued every avenue.

Yet to no avail with the officers, who run and stand over me-
A lonely Voice in the wilderness Standing up for the things in which I believe.

But it’s so hard when you are Bound and physically Confined-
When thousand pound doors prevent your Freedom and concrete walls play Tricks on you Mind.

And when judges’ words of Corrupt political explanations continue to Hold you in this situation-
They try to Rob me of my Livelihood and every Ounce of Determination.

And yet I Continue…to pray with my tears Soaking the ground-
And although my Words may not be correct, proper or Profound.

I say the things that’s in my Heart and on my Mind that sharper than a heroin addicts Razor blade-
That’s better then a Million request forms and all the Grievance procedure the done made.

And that’s all I have, so I Hope that it makes its way to you-
I hope it gets to your desk, so maybe you’ll have a Chance to go through.

Some of the things that I put down, about how they Abuse power and think that no one Sees-
About how they think they’re so High and Mighty and so much better than me.

You see, God, you’re the only one that can Intervene, and whose authority Supersedes-
All these maggot mouth Jesters of Justice that wish to cause cruel and unusual Punishment upon me.

And yet if I try to Raise up and bear my arms, I’m Convicted as a felon in possession-
And that line Waiting to go to prison is longer then the mafia in a Catholic church waiting for Confession.

So what am I to Do? As I find myself with No more Resources and No more Rights-
You see, physically I’ve been Beaten, and now even mentally they chastise if I Fight.

Divide and Conquer, but I Refuse to submit, Lord, that’s why I’m submitting this to You-
Asking You to lend me a Hand, God. Damn, Lord, Please come though.

‘Cause I could use a little help…and I figure ruling the Universe ain’t no easy task-
And there are like…what? 6.7 billion other People with requests, and I wouldn’t be surprised if mine was Last.

So if you get the Time, please go over my Words-
Because there are some People here whose Voices go Unheard.

But yet I Speak and Continue to Fight in hopes I can sleep with Peace at night-
In Hopes that those Demons who plague my dreams will Fade away with the Morning Light.

But they’re still here with their Badges and Pistols and Tasers and Cuffs-
With their Cowboy mentality, they think they’re like WWE Smackdown tough.

And yet it takes five or Better just to Handle me-
And they try to Push, Antagonize, Provoke…so I Snap and additional charges are what I’ll see.

And thus I Grieve, with so much more that goes Unsaid-
With so many Conflicting emotions that I’m trying to Maintain that flow freely in my head.

So many Burdens on the Block, I’ll pray you’ll take the Time to read the things I put upon these Lines-
No Political Agenda; merely a soul Tired of being unjustly Confined.

Just another prisoner with a Number attached to my name-
In hopes you Receive this Grievance, from a Voice who is Detained.

“Grievance Form”
2007
by Michael Victor Lugo

January 19, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-02-14T17:48:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

It appears that powers that be are forever at work to tear down and destroy those who are righteous and faithful. I continue to pray for all those who are venomously against me and those who wish to be back with our families and loved ones. I pray for you and wish you no ill-will, although you wish ill-will upon me. Much like the Lord prayed to his Father when he was being crucified, I also ask, forgive them Father for they know not what they do, they don’t know the families they affect, the wives who only have tears to comfort them, our children who say prayers every night asking God to bring back their daddies and mommies. And for what? I don’t know, and sometimes it hurts me in my heart, but I guess those who do those things feel they have to. Yet, regardless I still have no ill-will; I only seek the Love of my Family to be reconnected. I hope though this chaotic path I travel that I’ll be able to remain strong, much like the walls in my Cell of Confinement; unmoving and solid.

Sorrow has taken my hand as I continue on. As I continue to fight for freedom, Sorrow whispers in my ear and does her best to distract me so I’ll fall victim. Yet my soul is greater than yours. I will make a path within this chaos so those who also travel this path will find it easier to make progress in this battle.

May those hearts that are hardened be softened.

May the hate and wickedness be replaced with Love and Understanding.

And may Our liberation come very soon with the doors and gates that bind us be opened for us to be a free soul again.

Until then I continue to battle these demons and dreams, and collapsing walls, and this distorted mirror alone in my freezing “Cell of Confinement.”

By
Michael Victor Lugo

January 18, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-02-14T17:17:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

Many times I often wonder to myself simply because there is no one other than myself to communicate with. And the times there are others close by I simple do not feel the need to communicate. So instead I listen and watch past memories play out in my mind. I daydream of future possibilities both good and bad. On the occasions where I can recall my dreams, I ponder upon them sometimes writing them down for later study, but most times my dreams are like the fog where the heat from the sun hits it. It slowly fades away.

And speaking of the sun, I have not felt the sun in so long that I long for it to maybe refresh my tired and weary soul. I still go outside, yet due to the season change and placement of my rec. area, the rays of sunshine do not reach me. They come close; about half way down the wall in a mocking gesture, but not ever reaching me.

As I sit here and think, and my thoughts turn like gears on a clock, I feel at times I (we) are very close to exposing this great blunder for what it is, and soon after our freedom shall come, but there are also times when I doubt and that the powers that be will be victorious over me. Faith is so easy to talk about, but very difficult to obtain, especially after so many defeats. Yet, I continue.

If I speak not and let my voice be suppressed, I know for a fact what will be the outcome and what they will do with me, yet if I speak and let the world hear me, yes I may at times sound foolish and I may pick up new enemies along the way, but I believe for us to stand idle is worse then babbling a million words. I will take my chances and roll the dice and speak my voice, for with this there is the possibility that soon I may be reunited with my wife and two lil boys, that soon all those who suffer as I do may also be returned to their respective family and loved ones. Remember, all we need is Justice – Just us. Through unity and love we can conquer those who oppress us. Without it we will crumble and fall.

When I returned from court, I had the opportunity to talk to Nathan, my oldest son, 2 years and 7 months old. He began to cry and said, “Daddy I want you come home NOW! I pray to Jesus!” I don’t believe a larger arrangement of words could have torn me down quicker than that exchange did.

I continue to fight; I continue to struggle for those who are unjustly being prosecuted; I continue for my family and those close to my heart; I continue for my wife who struggles to maintain, and I Fight and continue for my two little sons who are my light, who give me hope and bring a smile to my face when none other could.

Daddy is trying to make it home my sons, and I too pray to Jesus. I love you.

“Cell of Confinement”

by
Michael Victor Lugo

January 12, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-02-13T22:08:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

Though vision is sometimes hazy and unclear, there are times when my eyes (all three) see past these steel doors, past these walls of concrete, and past the fences and miles to a house where I am no longer present except in thought and in photos. Sometimes I can still hear my son laughing with me as we play for no other reason than to be together. Some times my mind takes me back to the early mornings before I would depart for work as I would curl next to my wife and place my hand upon her belly to comfort her & Elijah, unborn at the time.

And yet as I drift on my thoughts and see through the mind’s eye, it is so simple and easy to see through all the obstacles that lay in my path. A path of chaos is the one I must travel to come back to peace, to my peace. At times my burden has become so heavy that my head begins to hang, but somehow I always find the strength to look to the Heavens for my Guidance. They have not misled me thus far. They brought me to my beautiful wife through a many broken roads and through our Love we begot out Children, and through our Children our Love has increased and strengthened the family as a whole.

Though these nights are the darkest I’ve seen in my journey, I know that if we all can weather the storm that refuge is close by, that the sun which gives us life will shine upon our faces soon. Remain strong to all, and even myself. Sometimes I need encouragement even if it only comes from the lonely face in the mirror.

“Cell of Confinement”

by
Michael Victor Lugo

January 8, 2007 - In Mike's Words

2007-02-13T20:08:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

As I follow the paths within my mind, I find myself within the wilderness. Am I the voice that cries out from the wilderness? Or is it the crying of the voice that brought me here to seek out? And what if it is my voice that is the one crying out, yet it is the same that lead me to where I am? So who do I see? Or is it simply the voice within that has separated its self from me and cries out because of the separation and in hopes I shall find myself once again? Could it be God’s voice I hear? Yet the Almighty dwells within also. Sometimes I wonder if my mind, heart and soul have enough room for God; all the demons I have and myself to fit into myself. Yet then again, who am I? I believe I know myself, but there are times when I surprise even myself, so I must ever be on the ready against those who deceive with smile and promises of friendship, yet I must also be ready against myself to not trust when I find myself wanting to because as history has shown, those who put too much trust in too many people that no one trust them.

Where am I going? Not to sure. Just kinda floating on thoughts turned words with nothing in mind, or should I say with all things in mind. Forever reaching but never grasping and always looking, but don’t always see everything. Although I try.

Despite all my downfalls, I ask the Almighty Father to please make my children well. They have been sick for some time now. All things in due time. And thus I remain, “Cell of Confinement.”

By
Michael Victor Lugo

"Just Another #"

2007-02-13T20:05:00.000-08:00

“Just Another #”

I read the paper, I hear the news about this War on Drugs-
About how they’re cracking down on crime, Gangs and Thugs.

Murder rate is on the Rise, Police Corruption can be seen-
Yet they slap me with this lifetime #, Constitutional Rights impossible to redeem.

And many things play with my Mind as I sit in my Confinement Cell-
How the Hell the police break more laws than all the Orange jumpsuits in jail?

How come out of 27 keys only 17 get turned in?-
And we wonder how these narcotics be rolling round pushin’ Benz.

Tax payers’ dollars, ain’t that a bunch of Shit-
Illegal search of my house this Good ‘Ole Boy system makes me sick.

And let’s talk about this money that Our Law Enforcement spends-
How about over Six Thousand for Lap Dances, Juice and Gin.

Then how about all the Dope they sell just trying to make a Bust?-
Yet if I try to feed my family going the same I’m looked upon with Disgust.

And what about the prison population that Wildly continues to Grow-
It’s the constant Struggle of Oppression; don’t act like you didn’t know.

Rehabilitation and education, Moral achievement and betterment-
Ain’t nowhere within those Revolving Doors of Correction they call a Department.

Nothing but Hustle and Survive, thoughts of home, live or Die-
Hurts like Hell, better believe it, yet never let them see you Cry.

While we Chained up in the System bound hands and feet-
And they steadily making Money off my Pain, while they continue to Lie and Cheat.

They got their Bullet Proof Vests, but tell me I can’t have One-
How am I supposed to Protect myself from police who shoot for Fun?

It’s a messed up World right now that we living in-
And my wife has the burden, Alone of raising two children.

Just like many Fathers across the Land, Out of lives we Disappear-
‘Cause these legislators are making Laws and don’t give a damn about Our Tears.

They don’t care about my Family, Don’t give a Damn about Yours-
All they care about is promotions and charges they can tack on to make your sentence more.

Well I don’t give a Damn about you and this # you put on me-
‘Cause I’m Always gonna Speak my mind, Rebellion is what you instilled prematurely.

So don’t look Crazy at the Crime rate when it reaches New Highs-
‘Cause you brought it upon yourself with laws of Enforcers of Deception and Lies.

Crooked smiles, Tarnished badges, Fictitious reasons, Cocked pistols like hunters-
I’m just a Prisoner of Your Politics, and to you “Just Another Number.”

By
Michael Victor Lugo

December 27, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2007-02-13T19:40:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

A house divided against its self cannot stand, quoting Abe Lincoln in one of his famous speeches before his presidency. There are those who are confined much like myself, but for shorter periods of time, and in their time of confinement they begin to “act” crazy, screaming and yelling, banging and doing ignorant things to draw attention unto themselves. At times this gets to me, for I have been within the Pits of the Beast for seven months straight, and yet I adapt and proceed, with no release within sight. Yet to some, this 10x7 begins to crush and walls begin to speak and the quietness often lets one hear who they truly are within their mind. Most cannot stand it, so they act as they do to try to over power the quietness that is so loud back here, but they are unable. This makes me wonder, am I that much mentally stronger than the regular, or are they that much weaker then the regular? Which is it? And in an environment when Darwin’s Law rings true, I will always remain atop the mountain because of my Warrior’s spirit, but I also begin to see clearly again. It is not their fault for the way they act; it is those who place such inhumane conditions upon those mentally unable to adequately handle such enclosed conditions. The oppressor is very cunning. To further divide us sews dissension amongst the strong and the weak in spots like this, yet if we as a whole were to be together in the struggle, we would be strong completely. Awareness is in my nature, yet my soul is sad, because I am also a realist and I know most within the Beast and outside do not harbor change, only comfort in what they know. And until change can be made, the road for those of us who struggle for what is right will forever be trying to fix a broken house that is divided and ready to fall. A house divided against its self cannot stand, yet jails, prisons and Cells of Confinements are always open and will remain as such until we close them. Peace to all. Thank you to my family who suffers with me and supports with whole hearts. I must let my voice be heard, for if not me than who would stand up to speak? None so far, so I make a path. To those who read these words, I ask that you pray for the families of all incarcerated, for the family hurts as we do. May the New Year bring good tidings.

To my two sons, there are times early in the morning when I close my eyes and I can picture you soundly sleeping in your mother’s loving arms safe from all worries and harm, and oh how I long to hold you all. It becomes so clear at times I can almost touch you, but open my eyes when my hand touches the cold wall…here in this “Cell of Confinement.”

By Michael Victor Lugo

December 13, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2007-02-13T18:45:00.000-08:00

"Cell of Confinement"

I wonder why when I close my eyes do I see ice blue lily petals falling into a gentle stream that flows like glass towards an endless path of water that seems to move, yet not move at all. I wonder where this stream starts, or if it does have a starting point. Maybe it circles and is complete, or maybe somewhere down the stream, farther than I can see it becomes violent, or maybe falls off some high cliff? Or is that before where I stand now? As I stare at the lilies I find myself wanting to pick one up, but I know if I move too much this peaceful image may flee from me. So I move not, but continue to watch the petals spin beautifully across the rivers of my mind, viewable to none other than the inner eye who watches and sees all, understanding sometimes slips through the cracks, yet my pursuit of understanding has brought me here. But where am I? Yet, I continue the Righteous Path of the Warrior, alone most times, yet in Love I know those who are within my Love.

My children remain healthy and strong; my soul is shredded and bleeds to be away from you and my wife. This season will be hard, but I know you’ll overcome. I love you and miss you deeply. I pray for all those who suffer; Justice will come soon. One more day, tear and prayer, and we will make it. To those who hate and wish destruction, so many lives are being torn apart, and for what?

I never break character, and my character will not be broken. And thus I continue…“Cell of Confinement.”

By
Michael Victor Lugo

December 8, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2007-02-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

"Cell of Confinement"

Today has been trying to say the least. My thoughts become bitter as I sit and waste away in this unsanitary place where sewage water continuously is backed up and fills this great place with an even greater aroma. My soul is tired today, maybe sleep will offer some relief, some momentary peace; maybe I'll see my wife or my two sons while the Dream Catcher cast his net upon me. Maybe not, but he is sure to take me away from this place, even if it is just for a fleeting dream.

Michael Victor Lugo

The Night Before Christmas

2006-12-25T13:12:00.000-08:00

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the jail,
A many a hearts were low, unable to make bail;

Quietly I hummed an old Christmas song,
In hopes the New Year will bring me home; in hopes it won’t be long;

Christmas cards are set up on my desk where I can see,
A reminder of my loved ones, those who miss me;

Pictures are hard to look at, because I see my children’s eyes,
Knowing they’ll wake up tomorrow with questions of why;

Why is Daddy gone? I thought Santa would bring him home,
I thought if I was good, Daddy would come home from the phone;

And on this night I wonder, if the judge is snug in his bed,
Does my family cross his mind? Can he hear my son’s prayers in his head?

And what about the prosecutor, how is she on this beautiful night?
Does she sleep sound knowing what she does isn’t right?

And what about the detectives who work so earnestly on my case,
They know they’re doing us wrong, because in court they can’t look me in my face;

And what about the mighty sheriff, whose word is basically law,
It seems now I am his scapegoat, a 2.5 million dollar flaw;

What is one to do when the stakes are so high?
And it seems they become angered because my soul won’t comply;

So it was the night before Christmas and all throughout my cell,
I sing songs to my family, say prayers, and wish them well;

The oppression seems forever; the depression comes and goes,
At times I can smile, somehow my heart just knows;

Hard times don’t last forever; I close my eyes and I can see,
All I want for Christmas is to be back home with my family;

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all throughout the jail,
To all a Merry Christmas, from the depths of this Confinement Cell.

“Cell of Confinement” by Michael Victor Lugo, 2006

2006-12-05T11:50:00.000-08:00

I sit alone in Darkness; light fails to reach my eyes-
Or better said my Soul is without; walking blind as if hypnotized.

Like a Noble in a graveyard, nothing but spirits comfort me-
Taking council from Voices, is this the point on insanity?

The Fire within has been diminished; a small flame is all that remains-
And each minute is a Struggle as I hope each day I will maintain.

I pray each Breath gives me hope, but as I said I’m walking blind-
Yet, I can never walk too Far, ‘cause even mentally I am confined.

Trapped within this Box, bound within this hole-
Justice is a Thief, ‘cause my life it has stolen.

My Heart it has crushed; my Dreams it has slain-
My Life is in the Balance, yet Justice it just plays.

These Walls continue to stand, but sometimes it’s like they’ve fallen on me-
Yet, within the flicker of that Flame I see the Faces of my Family.

They tell me to hang on; their Smiles bring me peace-
That their Love is always with me, even if they Cage me as a beast.

Sometimes I can’t Stand, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t try-
And I continue to Press on, even when the Will threatens to die.

The Armor that I wear has been damaged, cut, banged and bent-
Yet I’m still Fighting the best I can; Alone in this Cell of Confinement.

“Cell of Confinement” by Michael Victor Lugo, 2006

November 21, 2006 – In Mike’s Words

2006-12-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

Now it appears that even my writings within this “Cell of Confinement” are being persecuted. My body is confined day and night away from the family that I love with all my being. Away from the children the Lord our God has blessed me and my wife with; away from happiness and now the powers that be seek to confine even my thoughts, my feelings and my expressions of self. I seek understanding in all things, because to understand is to know, and yet through all my meditations I cannot comprehend why certain people have such malice, such hatred, and so much ill-will towards me. I know everyone has a job to do and to do it well, but where does the hate come from? Yet, through it all I still seek guidance from the Almighty Father, Jesus Christ, and each and every night I mention in prayer those who wise me ill-will and those who prosecute me. These words were once spoken before and now I speak them again, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”

I pray soon that someone will see what the real deal is behind all of this pain we are being put through. I am nothing to these people who have me in bondage, in their eyes I am a worm or even lower…but if you were to ask my son, Nathan, who I am, what do you think he would say if he were able to form thoughts into sentences? I know what he would say and it would come from his heart because I know his heart much like he knows mine from all the late nights that Daddy had to rock him to sleep, while he rested on my chest sleeping to the beating of my heart. And what of Elijah, my 2nd son whom I’ve never held? Yet, even somewhere in his little faint heart he knows Daddy is not there, but missing. I used to speak to Elijah his whole time within the womb; singing to him, rubbing the belly to calm him. He knows Daddy is missing. But neither Nathan nor Elijah understands why these people will not let their Daddy come home to them. Yet, they are not the only ones. All of my family questions the law and the people who have sworn to up hold the law, yet now they twist it to fit their case, their year-end bonus, and their credentials on their resumes. These are the only things important to them. When traveling on Life’s roads, one must always remain aware of who they truly are and what their heart speaks, if not then most times without notice one becomes lost in life doing things at one point in time he swore never to do. You no longer are self, but you become the monster you swore to defeat, you become worse than those you bring down because you have the power to do all. And yet as I’ve said before, I’ll say it again, you are the ones I pray for first, because it is only you who has the power to do the right thing that will one day liberate me from this painful, lonely, cold, and terrible “Cell of Confinement.”

Michael Victor Lugo

November 4, 2006 – In Mike’s Words

2006-12-04T21:48:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

Last night I was able to go to outside recreation. It was about 8:30 PM, dark and with a cold front moving in the area. For those who don’t know, my recreation consists of a 18’ x 18’ concrete area with 30 ft high walls and a fence on top. There is also a basketball and goal. As I walked round and round my thoughts walked with me, sometimes a little ahead and other times falling behind; a lone bee fell not three feet from me with a thud. I stopped, and once I saw that it was a bee, my first thought was to smash it because I know it could harm me. Yet, once this thought went through my mind, I stopped. I stopped and wondered if that is peoples’ first instinct towards me because I can at times appear dangerous. I squatted down to look closer at the bee. It started to move and slowly crawl towards me, yet I did not move. Now I was concerned about this lone bee, this love warrior that happened to fall. I talked out loud to the bee and said, “You’re a long way from home, uh there buddy?” No answer. Still moving towards me, “Yeah, me too, I’m about 100 miles east of here, away from my sons and my wife.” No answer still. “What about you little man? Any Family?” A cold wind came down the walls and I wondered if it would make it through the night with the cold front coming, him being hurt and having no shelter. Should I take him inside with me, but then what would he eat and drink? He still might die inside. I found myself hoping beyond hope that this small bee, this little creature that struggled to crawl to me most likely because of the heat from my body, would gain the power to fly away from these walls that Life’s ever changing winds had brought him to. The more and more I watched the bee I began to think this was me. Never did the bee stop struggling; he kept fighting and then after all of that, which must have seemed very long for the bee, it shot up into the cool windy night’s air and way from this dungeon. I wished him well as I continued to look up, wondering if his family was watching and worrying as mine does, if an animal like that could show happiness upon his return. How it must feel? And as I was thinking these thoughts with a tear in my eye for this small friend I have made, I heard the key opening the door. Even my moments of half-way peace are forever disturbed by my surroundings, my bondage, and my pain. Maybe I’m looking too hard at things hoping for a sign, but regardless of it all, this bee became beautiful to me last night; beautiful in its struggle and majestic in its overcoming of his struggle.

I pray that I to, much like my little friend (the bee), can one day soon overcome my struggles and fly away to never return, to come Home to my wife and sons, whose hearts had a cold front over them for some time now. Until then, I’m still struggling to do my best, and to one day fly away back home from this terrible “Cell of Confinement.”

Michael Victor Lugo

November 1, 2006 – In Mike’s Words

2006-12-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

The longer I continue to wait, the harder waiting continues to be. I feel things are close, so close at times that I can taste it or start to see it, yet they in truth are no farther or closer that before, but in fact right where they were in the first place.

The Mind is a very dangerous place. More often than not I believe that is why most people can not go 5 minutes without noise, because their Mind’s Voice starts to speak to them. And most people can not handle who they truly are deep within themselves. A lot of times, people are so far away from the person they used to be, that they don’t even truly know who they are because other people have dictated their spirit into something else, not them. Yet, who are you? What makes me, me? I know who I am because I listen to myself, the inner voice that speaks. We have known each other for almost my entire life, maybe longer. Who is to really say what life is? Our energy, our power, our love or emotions? Yes I think, but what does that mean compared to the price of rice in China? You see? Maybe...

I am here alone (physically), time after time, again and again. No family, neighbors or friends. Well I guess I could call my radio and these walls my friends. They are right here with me day after day, and they never miss a night. Always on Time, and speaking of Mr. Time, right now I would like to slap Time in his face if he had one. He continues to steal my life, my love and my family. Halloween just passed, and once again I am not present. Half a year is on the turn. How are my children? I know they are extremely taken care of, but how are they? Some things you like to know first hand, like looking into their eyes when playing in the front room, or the hug that comes out of the blue, or rocking them to sleep as I drift off listening to the soft sounds of their breathing. Some things you can know without words, but by being close and yet I am far away. How do I sing Nathan or Elijah back to sleep after they had a bad dream when I myself am trapped in a nightmare? What is a father to do? At times I start to hang my head, especially when the cruel hard days attack me, but somehow I keep going. My family is my strength and my motivation to not hang my head. I try to stay strong, for Angela’s sake, and I do most of the time, but on some nights much like tonight I have to bow my head for awhile and talk to God, but mostly cry…to no one else but God and myself, here in this “Cell of Confinement.”

Michael Victor Lugo

October 23, 2006 – In Mike’s Words

2006-12-04T17:30:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

As I sit here and contemplate many things, my mind comes up with nothing at all. And yet I feel that coming up with nothing within my mind helps me come up with what I was really searching for in the first place. Which is? Some things will never leave the chambers of my mind, due to reasons unbeknownst to anyone, but I will remain as such. Yet the need to express that what is known within sometimes can/will never be exposed. Much like Wisdom. Wisdom is for within, it is something that forms deep inside your soul and resides there at all times. And if you tried to express your Wisdom, you would sound foolish. Wisdom is for you and you alone. Now, Knowledge is universal and for all to gain their own Wisdom within, for Knowledge can be explained and taught, but your Wisdom guides you.

With that said, I await like a monk atop a snow covered mountain who waits for Enlightenment to empower his inner-self. Yet, my pain is…here, deep in my heart and here…surrounding me. My love is there also fighting to survive this War. My visions and dreams are encouraging now; are these of things to be? If the Lord is willing, Time must answer us in a short while, this is the first time we have been able to put a limit on Time. How will he react? It approaches us shortly and still I wear my Armor, ready for what may come. Yet, even at worst we will know more that we do now, and to know is to understand, and that is what I seek. To understand why I am persecuted, why my children go to bed each night without a kiss from their father, why my wife cries herself to sleep some nights due to my absence, why I am hated and looked down upon as scum, or even less. I seek to understand there things, even these cruel cold walls in my “Cell of Confinement” understand who I truly am, but when will they? Will they ever? Time, I ask you to rush and attack, and when you are ready I will be here within the walls of my “Cell of Confinement.”

Michael Victor Lugo

October 20, 2006 – In Mike’s Words

2006-12-04T17:28:00.001-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

I am but a warrior with his sword drawn, upon a lonely path that leads to only the Lord knows where. Yet, my Destiny is upon this path, which is over-run by pain and grief, loss and disbelief. But, regardless, the paths is a constant fight, and I worry my sword may grow dull. I feel it needs to be sharpened, but what can I do? I have not the time to stop upon this path, for Time is, and always has been, against me, yet I can not bring myself to slay him for I know soon he may become and ally. Only Time knows and soon he’ll tell all, and not just this lone warrior who travels the path that leads through this hollow “Cell of Confinement.”

Michael Victor Lugo

October 16, 2006 – In Mike’s Words

2006-12-04T17:28:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

Sunlight comes through my window in this “Cell of Confinement,” yet it doesn’t come in. A mid-morning calm has settled over me for the time being. Hope has once again taken me by the hand and is attempting to guide me on a path. From what I see, it looks difficult, yet Hope tells me not to look at the difficulties and to focus on the Prize. Every day and night, I focus on this “Prize.” I have visions and dreams of someday soon holding my wife and my children in my arms. Sometimes when deep in meditation, my mind goes so far away from here that I desire to not come back and leave my body as I drift upon the endless wave of emotion that swirls throughout our vast universe, and ride the waves that wash over us all in times of Joy and Peace. This is the closest I’ve been to being a free soul in the last 5 ½ months. Someone once said, “You can never be imprisoned as long as you don’t let them imprison your mind.” That sounds good, but where the body is, the mind will soon follow and reality is cruel and harsh, giving to no one, yielding for no heart ache or pain, no injustice, no sense of what is right or wrong; reality simply is reality. And the reality that resides with me maybe different than yours, but mine is ugly and speaks harsh words even when Hope walks with me. Even when I become thoughtful of good tidings, reality reminds me with every blink of my eyes of where I am, how long I’ve been here, the hurt deep within my soul, the tears that soak my bed, and the wishful thinking will not liberate me from this reality…from this “Cell of Confinement.”

Michael Victor Lugo

October 12, 2006 – In Mike’s Words

2006-12-04T17:27:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

Some days are better than the others, some days it feels like there are hundreds of cold steel rods pierced through my chest and if I move any way, the pain intensifies…going to my bones, through my blood and into my heart. So, I try not to move much and await for the next day in hopes of a better one, here in my “Cell of Confinement.”

Michael Victor Lugo

October 11, 2006 – In Mike’s Words

2006-12-04T17:26:00.000-08:00

“Cell of Confinement”

Whispered voices wake me from my sleep. Or was it just another fleeting dream? Who is to really say, except I find myself awake in this bright and cold cell. Today has been so much like the others; pace back and forth within my cell as my mind paces back and forth over past memories and future possibilities. I wash my face again for the tenth time hoping that after each washing, this look of doom will be going down the drain like the soapy water that circles quickly away. But to my dismay, it is still there, it still looks back at my very hard and not just upon my face, but deep within my eyes, maybe even past the deepness of the eyes. Yet, it is here; sometimes all around me, sometimes filling the space of this cell, sometimes it threatens to take my breath away. But yet I am still here. Still doing my best, still trying to stay positive, still fighting to keep hold of my sanity, still struggling to breath…still alive, although at times I feel close to Death. And yet I strive.

My wife is experiencing complications, again. Not for sure what is exactly wrong, but it has me very worried for her health. When it rains it pours, but in our case it is also flooding with the down pour. I just pray continually for her and my children to be ok and healthy. I have made amends with God, but don’t know when he plans to answer my prayers, or if answering them at all is in his plan. Yet, my main concern is for their health, we are lucky to be as healthy as we are right now. There are tons of others out there that are less fortunate in their health. So I am thankful for that. I now do not take anything for granted; each day is a gift. I just pray that soon this comes to an end. My soul is so tired and I know Angela’s is also. This situation has affected everyone, and the stress is very tense at times. I am thankful for a devoted family and friends: you are always in my thoughts and prayers. And I am blessed to have a beautiful wife and two beautiful little boys…Nathan & Elijah. No matter the outcome of all this, please always know that your father, Michael Victor Lugo, loves you with every ounce of his heart and soul, and I’m doing my best, and so is mommy, to get me home to you two. Remain strong, love and respect your Mother (and all women) and always protect your family. Seek the truth at all times. My heart is with you all. Pray for me as I pray for you. Daily and through the night in my quite empty “Cell of Confinement.”

Michael Victor Lugo

September 23, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-10-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

"Cell of Confinement"

This road becomes more and more difficult to travel upon. I have heard rumors of certain officials who are currently over seeing me, that they will soon, "push my buttons" to get me to snap. And once that happens, we all know they will press more charges upon me. It appears I have become a scapegoat for these people and now after my move, they now attack me from another angle. I had to tell an officer today to remove his hand from me. It is so hard. Every minute of every day slowly ticks away as pain eats away at my heart and soul. I have humbled myself thus far, yet nothing what so ever has been positive, so much negative that it threatens to consume me. And now as just another one of their tactics, I am now shackled and hand cuffed when I come out to use the phone. The old saying, "Be careful what you wish for, 'cause you just might get it," they keep treating me like a beast...soon I might become one, but I truly don't want to. I just want to be a husband, a father, a son, a brother, grandson, nephew and friend. Yet the farther they push me, I come closer to the edge. What do I do? I have been calling to the Lord constantly, yet no answer. Why? Is my soul really that dark that he does not hear me or see? What must be done? I promised to Angela I would not fall into their trap, she begged me to see her face and Nathan's and Elijah's faces when I am tried, and to let them do what they will. It is so hard to maintain, I do my best with much tears. And not tears because of being afraid or sad, but because I know I am so very close to snapping and I know it would be a winless fight, and in the end they would have played me like an instrument in a performance. And you should see some of those people who put on their uniform and become “Superman” like they have something to prove to the world by trying to beat up someone in the chains. The warrior in me screams for justice, yet I restrain his and assure him that our Righteousness will prevail. Yet, Doubt has taken him and he stands ready in survival-mode.

I have not given up, Lord. My legs feel broken, so if you’re willing please carry me. That is the only way I may make it Home. And I still pray for those who stand against me. Lord, as I have asked before, if I am unworthy in your sight, then please hear my prayers for my wife, my sons, mother, brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and the rest of my family and friends. If you will please carry me, if not then once I’m able to stand, I will get back up and continue to walk through this painful misery, yet forever trapped in this “Cell of Confinement.”

Michael Victor Lugo

September 22, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-10-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

"Cell of Confinement"

Transported. Displaced once again. Being comfortable is not something I am able to be. I have been moved around so much I feel like a real chess piece being moved to and fro. Yet, I complain not and humble my spirit. I have been under heavy attack of late. It often astonishes me how people can trust and turn words around so much to fit their liking. Yet, I know that soon or later that lies will be exposed for what they are. and you know as I do, if a person tells a lie, then they must tell another lie to cover the first, and so on and so forth. Thus giving them no solid foundation on which to stand. This is the foundation that those who accuse me stand upon, and I trust in the Lord to destroy that falsehood. Yet, I know it will be a long time coming, so I pray for God to give my family strength to endure, I have stopped asking for myself. The only thing I ask now is for the Lord to forgive my sins so he may hear my voice as I pray for my family, friends and even those who seek my downfall and destruction. I pray for them the most. It is hard, yet I do it.

I am still stressed, I am still concerned for my family and their health, I am still worried of the worst case possible, I am still at times weak in spirit, but I am still strong in my spirit; I am still losing this fight, but at the same time I am still standing strong in the war. I am still here in love with my wife, I am still missing the children and am still empty deep within from being away. Frustration and Worry still talk daily with me, but Hope has taken a corner of my heart and made a promise to stay until this is done. Until one way or another I leave this desolate "Cell of Confinement."

Michael Victor Lugo

September 10, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-10-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

"Cell of Confinement"

Smoke clouds my mind, but I still fight to think.
Tears fill my eyes, yet I wipe away so I may see.
Pain hurts my heart, but it continues to beat so I may live.
Despair chokes me, yet strong lungs give me the breath to breathe.
My soul feels lost, but doesn't wander 'cause it knows where home is.
Darkness surrounds me, yet light is within.

Ripples race through my mind from the past day. My toughest day yet. My love, my wife, came to see me in my captivity, and Nathan accompanied her upon this day. To be as strong as I am, as tough physically and mentally, one would think tears never fall from my eyes, yet upon seeing my son I became the child and tears flowed like a broken dam. The smile of recognition melted my heart, his non understand of why his daddy couldn't hold him and give him some lovings broke my soul. To be so close to the child you have raised, changed countless diapers, fed bottles after bottles then real food, the child you helped learn how to speak, how to walk, how to count, how to ride his tricycle, how to say please, to be that close to the child that went to sleep almost every night with Mommy and Daddy but not be able to hug, hold or kiss was torture in its self. Nathan used to go to sleep upon his Daddy's chest, that was his safe spot. The beating of my heart is what he used to go to sleep to. Elijah has been deprived of this, but Nate had that. I thank the Maker for my children and Angela, they are truly blessings from above. Yet I ask, will my pain cease? Will I be able to be with my family again? Will my children know me? Will I be given a chance? People often judge people without knowing them as many do me. If my son could explain me to the world would I be judged as such? For children are pure and innocent, and deceit is not in them. Nathan has heard my heart many times, he knows the voice of my heart. If only those who persecute me could hear my heart as my son does, then they would understand and have mercy upon me. Yet, only Time will tell and until then, my heart continues to beat, reach out and love even though I am locked away in this

"Cell of Confinement"

Michael Victor Lugo

September 6, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-10-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

"Cell of Confinement"

The path in which I travel (My Life) has taken a turn. Or maybe not a turn, but a split and I have veered off the Golden Brick Road, so to speak. I now find myself wandering alone within a deep and dark forest. Sometimes I know not if it is day or night, yet I continue on. Why not turn around and back track? I wonder if I do that would I become even more lost? So I just keep moving forward, hoping that if I hold on just a little longer, that light will shine in and warm my heart. That a cool breeze may blow and refresh my soul, that a voice may call our to me and guide me, that all my pain may be lessened if I stay true and continue to hold on just one more second, just one more hour. At times it feels like yesterday I was snatched away from my life, and other times it feels like Eternity has gone and come again. Ah...my precious travel companion, "Time," who at times makes minutes feel like days, and sometimes days like minutes. In the chambers of my mind I try to trap Time, to lock him in one of the rooms within the mind, yet when I think I have conquered him and locked the door, he only laughs out standing behind me, but still locked away within my mind. And as he laughs behind me, Time knocks upon the door wanting to come back in. Many have escaped in the past from dungeons, jails, prisons, kingdoms, and nations, but none have eluded this ever present...Time.

My younger seed is once again sick. I question many things within this universe and now I question again. I can understand my pain and chastisement, but Elijah is pure and innocent of all. He only seeks comfort and love, yet he is pained and hurt. I've asked God before, but now I beg of Him to hearken my voice. If there is pain to be passed our, please take it from him, from my family, and place it upon my head. I will gladly accept any and all afflictions that are upon them so they do not suffer. If my family needed all the waters of the Earth, I would never leave the Wheel of Life until I accomplished this task. Yet, I understand the World.

God spoke to me tonight and asked me a question. He said, "If you were to never see your children again in life but I'd promise they will always be healthy, strong, and love their family, would you want that or would you be with them and through life they would suffer illnesses and terrible pains and never be able to do normal things children do?" I pondered for a moment, but not long. At first I thought I would be with them and we would make it as a family. But then the thought of them in such states quickly diverted me to the first. It would pain me in my heart to forever be away from them, but to know, truly know they would be ok and healthy, to know that somewhere they are playing, smiling and laughing, growing strong and not in pain, I would deal with the hurt of being away from them because a parent, a parent who really loves their children, only wants what's best for them regardless of the sacrifices that may come to me. So I answered God, who already knew my answer, for their well being I would submit my soul to the Devil for Eternity of Punishment if it meant they would be safe and healthy. What ever must be done, please heal my son, if none of my prayers You have heard, please hear this one.

My soul grows tired, as does the hand that pushes the pencil. Will I make it? Looking at tears that have fallen from my eyes, they even shed tears when I ask this. So where is my hope? I often feel hope has abandoned me, but when I think with a clear mind, hope is still with me. How else do I strive, get out of bed, write or even dream? Yes, I believe hope is still here, like my son's heart...small and faint, and is going through sickness and pains but is still beating and the longer that goes on, the stronger he becomes (hope).

Be strong my little one, you Daddy is in constant prayer for you, and I am with you in your fight. Nathan my first born, remain strong and full of love, protect your family at all times. I know this is early, but you're the 'lil Man of the House when Daddy isn't here. Take care of Mommy and 'lil Eli. And to the heart who has become one with mine...Angela my love, my wife. Many daughters have done well, but you surpass them all. Your loyalty, love, and determination are the things that stories are made of. I am blessed to have met on that day. You make me the proudest man alive. I love you. Hold on and smile for me.

To my brother and mother. I love and miss you greatly. To all those who are within the inner chambers of my heart, my love to you.

At times I think I hear my father and grandmother close by. I pray they are, I could use their comfort as I sit alone within this...

"Cell of Confinement"

Michael Victor Lugo

September 4, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-10-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

"Cell of Confinement"

My soul feels as if I has decended into the lowest pits of all the hells wihtin this realm. Constant pain pricks my heart as my years try to put out the burning pain in my chest. Yet, they both continue yet neither one is quenched.

My mind is starting to drift as I gaze upon photos. Most so the ones in which I am in. As I look at the photo it goes into motion, like a TV screen that was on pause and it starts to play what hapened after the photo. As I look upon the pohoto of Angela and myself, just married, sitting in the limo door for a picture...(snap) we closed the door and tell the driver to drive around, as he rolls up his window. We hold each other close, get the bottle of Moet, pour us a glass, toast, as I say, "We did it, we really did it!" Another picture of me and Nathan. Captured forever is us playing the little piggys on his toes, his smile anticipating the one that went wee wee wee all the way home. My mind is plauged day and night of happy thoughts that are moving farther and farther away from me, yet are forever in the chambers of my mind. And the voice that pseaks to me tells me those maybe my last. I may never be able to create new memories, so the ones I have are being etched into the mind's library much like it did with memories of our Father, Victor Lugo. I spoke with my brother today, thanks be to God. I have not spoken to him in sometime, and it felt good to speak with him. Yet, my tears were uncontrolled. I made Christopher promise me above all else, that no matter if the worst happens to me that he will make sure my children Nathan Victor Lugo & Elijah Victor Lugo will know who I am, and thta I truly did/do love them, and I pray that they will not grow up to hate me for not bein there if things go bad. At this thought the spirit of the warrior who lives in me put down his sword for a moment, and sheds tears with me deep within the hollow walls of my "Cell of Confinement."

Michael Victor Lugo

September 2, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-10-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

Just as metal that has been impacted with much force and or heat and it becomes twisted, my soul resembles the twisted metal. At a glance, one would wonder if a soul even dwells there any more. Yet, upon close inspection one would find faint movement. And there my soul is, twisted with pain and persecution, with doubt and fear, with great loneliness and heartache, and with the uncertainty of the future of my life and my family. Oh, how my soul screams for help, for some type of relief, something to untwist my soul to just a fraction of what it used to resemble. And yet all my tears soak my face to no avail, yet they continue. Sometimes softer than others, but sometimes more violently than others, too. And yet I wait.

My Cell of Confinement has changed. Three moons ago I was moved late at night to another, more isolated, Cell of Confinement. The silence sometimes is so loud that it blurs my vision and other times it calms the chatter of my inner thoughts. Yet, I do prefer this spot than the late. I was blessed today to see with my own eyes my beautiful wife, and accompanying her was my new born son, Elijah Victor Lugo! My heart swelled with love upon seeing him and my heart hurt all the more so. Bitter sweet to say the least, yet I wouldn't have traded it for anything. The Lord has truly blessed me like no other with a beautiful family from above. Every fiber I am made of becomes grief stricken when I think of my sons growing up without me in their life. It is the true torture of this Cell of Confinement. Although I know that no matter what happens in this life, I will be with them in the next, as I know our Father, Uncle and Grandmother await for us in the next life to be reunited. But the Daddy in me asks God to give me another chance in this life. All I can do is pray and hope. For without hope, life is useless.

This storm I am in has become very big and threatens to destroy as many lives as possible before it is over with. And yet, I question why? No, not question, but Demand to know why! Those who accuse and persecute act as if they are free from sin, like the person who looks back on them from the mirror is blameless without corruptness in their blood, no evil. Only babies are without evil for they have not been tainted by laws and society. Yet, these who punish me are as Angels? I think not. Yet, I will not dwell upon them. Staying positive is a battle that I must fight by the minute. Not days or weeks, but by the minute I fight to stay focused. At times it has felt as if I did die and have fallen to the pits of Hell, yet then I find the inner strength to get up and continue. Or maybe it is the power of God who has lifted me up and carried me like the footprints. This I believe. Yet, I fight. I fight to live, I fight to be, and I fight to love. God, please do not forsake me, but help me in my war. Of this I pray. Of all the battles and pains and dreams and journeys, so far I have still yet to leave this hollow, location unknown...Cell of Confinement.

Love,
Michael Victor Lugo

August 25, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-09-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

Worry has taken a new meaning in my life. Last Sunday night/early Monday morning, my wife was taken to the emergency room cause her heart almost exploded. Since then, she has had an operation on her heart and all appears to be well. She is supposed to be released today and thanks be to God she is well. I feel responsible for her being in there because of the constant stress from this situation. Plus, postpartum from the pregnancy and her constant worries for me. She would devotedly call our lawyer and try to help the lawyer get the info they need for our case all the while taking care of our beautiful children on top of the daily stress life can bring: bills, work, family, little sleep and depression. And I cried to God and told his to tear my heart our and give it to her if she needs it or would take her pain away. I never meant to over work or worry her. Please forgive me.

It seems the time within this Cell of Confinement grows more and more harder by the day. Whoever coined the phrase, "It can only get better," has never been in a real hardship of life, because the matter of fact is that it can always get worse. With that said, I have now been charged with something when I've been incarcerated. The powers that be are truly hell bent upon putting me so far underneath a prison somewhere it has frown to a ridiculous situation. They are so determined to convict me because I believe they will be given promotions. Is that all I am? A promotion? Am I not a father? Am I not a husband? A brother, son, nephew, uncle, cousin, friend? What is the justification to not only destroy "my" life by my wife's, my children who will grow up their entire lives without their Daddy? They say justice is blind which I believe she is, but why is she blind?! Why doesn't she look, why not observe the situation for what it is not, what things are dressed up to be. How does justice do us when she doesn't "really" look at the case? I've stated it before and will again. It is a mockery! The powers that be have gotten so powerful and they answer to no one, not even God. And once power is like that, then it begins to become corrupt. But what can one do such as myself to who stands accused? The picture has been painted and presented for all to see. I have been told by certain officers, "We just charge you, it's your job to prove you're innocent." That is very different than what you are told in court, "Innocent until proven guilty." What to do, what to do?

Days pass and my children continue to grow. My first born now identifies the phone as "Daddy." I am no longer the person he used to wake up to in the morning and give big kisses to smiling, am no longer the person who would dance all around the house with him or do the "Little Piggies" on his feet. Am no longer the person he runs to when he is scared, or no longer the one he comes to when he is tired so I can pick him up and he can fall asleep in my embrace. I am none of that to him anymore. I am but a noise coming out of a phone to him. This thought shreds my soul into a billion pieces because in my mind, no matter what happens to me, he will forever be my little boy. Those times are burned in my memory eternally.

And what of Elijah? Whom I've never laid eyes upon other than photos? He will never get to sleep upon my chest and go to sleep to the sound of my heart bearing as Nathan has done so many times. I will be nothing to him, not even an association with the phone. Why does my soul Bleed, God?! It appears that this is worse than death.

And what of my Wife? To have loved the perfect love and to know we are meant for one another, only to have it end like this. How does the heart heal? Through time, yet that is if you've been hurt or something breaks the relationship, but this is so alien, so different, and so wrong to be taking place. SO wrong for us to suffer like this. And for what? For an individual who is a liar and deceitful and so many other things, and yet they believe this word over all things. Why?

The more I write, the more I suffer and the more I think the worse I suffer. Worry, Frustration, Pain, Suffering, and Depression have taken the place of my family. Hope is so far away I don't think Hope can hear my voice. Does anyone hear my voice, my crying, my pleading, my prayers for help? Or do they just bounce off the walls here in my...Cell of Confinement?

Love,
Michael Victor Lugo

August 13, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-09-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

It appears that things never cease to amaze me in this journey that I have been upon for the last 28 years of life. Maybe longer, who is to say. Wise words are babie to the ears of a fool or to the ears of the one who believes they are wiser than any and there is nothing to be learned. Confucius teaches us that "A man that does not know but believes he knows is dangerous...avoid him!" Hence, my saying of you can only tell a man what he is willing to hear. I thank the Lord above and within for blessing me with the ability to see things as they are, not as they appear to be, and for endowing me with a humble spirit yet the spirit of a warrior. To humble one's self is to gain true wisdom for a truly wise man knows that he knows nothing at all. I speak with the authority within, yet am very quite so nothing may escape my ears. may the Almighty continue to shine down his blessing upon my spirit.

Frustration. My friend of new whom I cannot say enough about. Of the late, he has been close and distant with me. For a minute, I thought he moved to another cell and he might have, but he quickly came back to my Cell of Confinement. Yet, he has given me some breathing room. and the only reason for that, I believe, was to make room for his mistress..."Worry." Now, Worry has always been present, but only at an arm's reach more or less just watching me. Well she moved in the other day and wrapped me in a strong embrace when I learned of my son Elijah's problem with his breathing, and his trip to the hospital. Worry soon became one with my shadow and has slept with me every night since, and unlike Frustration, in my dreams "Worry" still holds her power over me when I sleep, yet I trust the warrior spirit that is alive in Elijah to slay this Worry from his Father's mind. I believe in many things within this world, but Love tops all. And the Love within the network of Our Family is stronger that any metal, mountain, or force that Mother Earth could brew up. So, I know it is only a matter of time until this Worry character will pass away, just as the night gives way to the breaking dawn.

Back to my friend, "Frustration." The other reason I believe he has stepped back is because he senses that his end is also near. With that said, the next two weeks will be very interesting to say the least. This week is a week of hope, but most for sure the following will be a week of enlightenment for all and also more hope if hope fails in the first week. May the Almighty guide us in all that we do and have mercy upon us in our battle. Sharpen our swords and strengthen our armor and shield, lead the way in which we are to travel. For Your Will be done.

Peace and protection to all of those who are in the chambers of my heart and mind, may the Lord's hand be upon my inner circle of the heart...My other half of my soul. My Flesh of my Flesh. My lover my wife, bring us back together as we are supposed to be under you law and under your Love. To my children...Nathan and Elijah, may thy continue to grow healthy, strong. Be full of love and joy, knowledge, wisdom, understanding...and grow in your love Lord. Guide my lil brother in all that he does and bless his heart with your strength. And to my Mother, my first born Queen who brought me into this world of chaos with her love and calm Protect my inner circle. Much like these walls that support this cell and building, they support the walls of my inner heart and give me strength to face another day within this...Cell of Confinement.

Love,
Michael Victor Lugo

August 8, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-09-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

And yet I continue to wait. I feel as if I am a spider stuck in its own web. Suspended in the air being tossed to and fro everytime the wind blows a different direction. The emotions that reside within me have been somewhat better these last days, yet there was a low point some mere week ago. It felt as if the walls did in fact fall down upon me and break my bones along with the warrior spirit that dwells within me. The pain and the hurt of my heart and soul were magnified a thousand times and grief and sorry comforted me. I was surrounded in anguish The air I breathed was coated with despair. Yet in the closing of my eyes, it slowly evaporated as the morning dew does when the rays of light hit it in the morning sun. Don't be mistaken, frustration is still be my side, yet the heavy burden was lifted for the time being. Although I know many more times as such will be on the way and maybe even worse ones than such, yet that battle was fought and in a sense was a small victory. Praise be to God.

My walk continues and I make ready for the worse. For the enemy lays and waits so it may capture my spirit. They already have my physical incarceration, yet they also seek to destroy me in spirit. This will prove much harder than they have at first realized. Yet, time will reveal all things both great and small. I am but a humble servant of the Lord who seeks righteousness and has been faithful in his walk. We know the Lord will bless those whom he loves, yet the Lord will also test those whom he loves very hard, harder then the rest. I am aware, always have been and always will be.

Of the late, I have used the instrument in my hand to create drawings. Most are for my family, should I say all are. For everything I do, I do for my love, my flesh, and my two suns (sons) whom shine brighter than the sun that warms our face while we stand under the blue skies. My strength comes from those three who complete me, whom make my soul whole, who make my heart smile with love like no other. Who against all obstacles are with my in mind and spirit, and suffer as I do. Yet, I beg the Lord to take away their pain and give it to me. Let me carry the load. Don't let them suffer. Yet I also know that these walls and gates that hold me capture fear, the power of true love and they sense this within my body. They laugh and plot, but are fearful also. For history has proven time and time again that love conquers all, and even the Lord has shown that love has even conquered Death!

And yet I continue to wait...Alone in my Cell on Confinement.

Love,
Michael Victor Lugo

July 29, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-09-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

Alone...Alone with my tears, alone with my hope, alone with my pain; I alone must cope. Long days and dark nights, bad dreams with bright lights. Anger stirs and frustration hangs close, yet through it all, alone is what I feel the most. Yet, I know there is hope and all the family stands by, but physically here, right now I am alone on the inside...alone.

Love,
Michael Victor Lugo

July 27, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-09-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

The quietness within this Cell of Confinement is so absolute at times that the hollow of sound screams to be heard. Yes, this vast emptiness is the only one who holds me close, as I stare at empty eyes that look back on me. So empty at time, one could get lost yet when I think these thoughts I simply move away from my mirror.

Love,
Michael Victor Lugo

July 12 - In Mike's Words

2006-08-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

Cell of Confinement -

The door to my Cell of Confinement is closed, and at times I wonder if it were to open would I be free? But to my dismay, I would find more doors behind that door and behind other doors I would find pathways that lead to many other doorways. Much like the mind, when you believe you come to the "true" answer and open the door, you only find many more doors with many more choices than you had before. A kind of never ending unlock and open; tunneling into itself that at some point within the journey, one may become lost within the pits of his own mind and not be aware of what has taken place, all the while they believe they are still on the right or righteous path, yet in what we call reality they venture farther and farther from this much sought after truth. So is our universe flat or round? If flat, they will forever be lost, yet if it be round or circular then if they endure enough, wouldn't it bring one to think they would come full circle? A reincarnation of the mind?

Sometimes I speak out loud and only my thoughts hear me. The white walls only listen and watch, never do they respond to the constant echoing of my voice and mind. It's like an ever going game of tennis in which neither win or lose. My Cell of Confinement is often cold, which in turn makes my emotions cold sometimes, other times the emotions that dwell within me rage and burn to consume, but after so long the water in my soul's windows douse them out and put out the rage. My despair is forever ahead of me not allowing me to pass it or overcome, but he continuously hinders my path to make me stumble and fall back to dust in which at one point in time I was created. It is almost as if this despite character has me enslaved and dragged forward unable to break the chains. And there are new chains that are strong and happen to be unbreakable. Yet, my inner-self laughs at the notion of appearance and unbreakability. For all know that stars shine and light the night's skies, yet they are dead and no longer exist; they only "appear" to and something being unbreakable is a mockery of the Universe. All things were built to be destroyed and rules designed to be broken. And so my inner-self seeks to plot with me as to how we may deceive those who have deceived us to conspire to break the unbreakable; and to slay the despair who has stormed my fortress of the heart and taken it captive, so we may restore our heart into who it belongs.

Within my Cell of Confinement, frustration has been a faithful companion. When I awake for breakfast, frustration has never missed a meal. He even works out with my in my attempt to maintain the temple which they wish to destroy. He writes letters with me and helps me spell words, when I read books he helps turn the page and when I pray he pains my mind. When I think he laughs out loud, and when I focus he makes things very cloudy. He even dreams the same dreams as I, yet on that plane he holds no power and more than once I have choked frustration in my dreams only to awake and have frustration there on the same pillow as mine. For frustration is so constant that my shadow grows jealous of this new "friend" I now have.

I still await for a tiding, yet none has come. My days grow longer and more dreadful. Time has never really gotten along with me, and now we catch up on lost time between Time and myself. I think Time is just upset, because he knows that he will one day have to be no longer, yet we will continue forever. I believe that is why "Time" is so hard up on the physical bodies. It is his way of saying, "Hah!" But in the end, Time will be the one who is laughed at by all as we pass by.

To my child in the womb -

I often wonder what your thoughts are. Are you preparing to deport, saying goodbyes until the next time to Family? Friends? Do you know the thoughts of your Mother? Is that why you have been so good? To be pure and innocent, I think, is the most amazing thing within the land of the living. Your Big Brother awaits for you and has been trained since his birth to protect and love our Family. For you two are Flesh of my Flesh, Blood of my Blood; Sons from the same Mother who through the laws have become one Flesh with me, your Father. The Spirit of our Father is upon you. Be strong in everything and never yield in your Quest for Truth. Remain faithful to what the promise is, and we shall meet always, no matter the physical obstacles. Peace and my love to you all.

My mind is coming down so I must close. Lights that shine bright are not always a safe harbor. Be aware.

Forever,
Michael V Lugo

July 8, 2006 - In Mike's Words

2006-08-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

Cell of Confinement -

Memories run through my mind like a movie reel that continues on without care of the audience that awaits for the movie to start...or do they await for a stop? Sometimes I cry as I view photos of the past that I hold in my hand and hold in my mind. Other times when the pressure is not that bad, I smile. Constant up and down, up and down, over and over again. Yet those are just the push ups of my emotions that leak over into my physical.

My mirror is distorted; a clear view is impossible to see. Makes one think that an undistorted mirror with a clear view is in reality the one that is distorted; for life has thus far not been a clear view. The forever unknowing is so hard to see, much less when it is right in front of your face. Then it is the most complex and distorted. Illusions play out like ballerinas dancing across life's stage, full of grace and beauty, yet when you get up close you find out that you're watching a dream that will soon blow away as vapor does in the night wind.

Yet I hope. For without hope, life would be useless. Or maybe hope feels that hope would be useless without life? Things to ponder. And do the creatures that swim the depths of my mind ever die? And if they do, do they come to the surface for me to dispose of them, or do the other creatures devour their remains? Time may never tell the secretes it has worked so hard to hide within the one who seeks. Secretes of the world continue to unravel, yet the string leads back to the depths of the mind.

The rain comes down outside; I feel not the rain, but hear the thunder. Yet within, the rain has been coming down. At times, so much rain within that it must come out of the windows of my soul as the warm salt water trails down my face; leaving reason to stand up straight and hold the head high, even if the only person to see is myself and the blissful white walls that forever watch me and listen.

God look down upon my heart and heal it, for it is damaged and sore. Look upon me in this cell, this box, this hold, this mental isolation of the human reason and rhythm. Touch me with but a finger, so I may rejoice in my chastisement. Grab me with your hand, so I may be taken away. Back to the peacefulness of the living life in which I was hurtfully taken away. If I am worthy, take me soon, for the cup is full and overflows and wastes. Yet, if I'm not worthy, snatch my soul now and let me walk mindless until the hour of death, so I may not suffer any longer.

Through distance love travels, yet I move not. Time compels me to remain prisoner as seconds bound my feet, as minutes cuff my hands, as hours chain my body, and as days lock away the heart. The key I have not, yet search diligently for it but only to find my cell within my cells. And through my flesh be one with another who is not confined, yet as I stand broken, she is also bound. As my heart hurts, her's does likewise. As my tears fall, her's jump down. As my soul yells to the Heavens for mercy, her's screams for forgiveness. As my eyes close and search, her's close and find me. My flesh, my love, my wife.

Oh how do I miss thee? Just as the fist breaths the water as air, and we breath the air, without wither none would exist in harmony of the music of life. In which we sway as a shell upon a wave of the sea crashes into the beaches of sand. Or as the sun lights the path for all who have eyes to see the things to see, and how the moon guides us through the night by her reflective light that comes from the sun so we do not get lost in our voyage within this realm. Or how the flowers open up to show their faces and plant their seeds so they encourage others to fro and look up on the beautiful blue skies with the sacred white clouds who bless them with the Holy Waters of Life to continue to grow and reach forever upward. Or the eagle who soars upon the invisible force of wind higher than any mountain and flys as he guards his freedom of being not bound by the Earth, but bound by his not being bound. If all this were taken away, it would then start to understand the true essence of how I truly miss thee, my love. Goodnight. The Dreamcatcher has thrown his net and once again I am caught in another device, yet his offers escape, so I make haste to be a captive of the Man of Sand. A prisoner help in confinement, taken captive just to get away.

With Love.

Michael V Lugo

Michael V. Lugo

2006-08-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

Michael V. Lugo is my brother, husband to his loving wife, and father to his two young boys. He is a convicted felon who served 7 years+ in a Florida prison. 2003 brought Mike's release from confinement, and his journey to marriage and parenthood. Things looked promising, but on May 25, 2006, all that changed.

Mike was arrested on three serious charges for an alleged incident involving a dispute between men; a fight. This dispute was quickly blown out of proporiton. The "victim" accused Mike of having a weapon, when in fact there are many witnesses on Mike's behalf stating the contrary. We believe the State of Florida prosecutors are doing everything they can to keep Mike incarcerated with little hard evidence.

Now, it's a race to get the facts, and present them in a manner which will undoubtedly prove Michael's innocence. I will attempt to keep you updated and post some of Mike's poetry documenting his time served.